Can I just say
that it's weird so many people care about one woman's nipples? Are her nipples
made of gold? Do they squirt the fountain of youth? No? Then shut-up with your
obsessing, while I write this blog post about my obsessing over Miley Cyrus's
nipples.
Dear Miley
Cyrus,
You started out
as a "good girl" (quotations used to mark the fact that I don't like
this term, not that I don't believe you were and are a good person) on Disney
channel, making millions spreading joy through your songs, cute outfits, and
humor.
What happened to
these cute outfits that used to cover your entire body like an Amish young
lady? Why is it that people who loved your songs and humor when you were fully
dressed can't enjoy it now that you aren't? Was this stripped off you as well?
Or is it the
Female Nipple Factor?
The Female
Nipple Factor (FNF, a term I think I
made up, but I am probably wrong, and someone way smarter than me actually came
up with it decades ago) is when a woman's breast is either almost-completely
exposed or completely exposed to the general public. String bikinis, breast
feeding, bras, clothing malfunctions—all of these can lead to the Female Nipple
Factor. The Female Nipple Factor causes conservatives to immediately spread
abstinence programs and cover their daughters in sweaters for the summer. The
Female Nipple Factor leads to articles, news stories, blog posts (like this
one), and random comments from people far away from the exposed nipple taking a
stand about it.
Which is funny,
because I don't hear many criticisms over Channing Tatum's or Zac Efron's
exposed nipples.
Personally, I
love that Miley Cyrus is wearing, and not wearing, what she wants, because men
do this all the time. Men walk around streets, beaches, and sometimes malls
completely topless, especially in the middle of summer.
Which is
ridiculous for these reasons below:
1. Our nipples are more valuable than boy
nipples.
If Miley and I,
and every other woman, choose to have a baby and choose to breastfeed, our
nipples serve an actual purpose. We could bring nourishment and life to babies
through our nipples. Men, what can you do? Even Bill Nye said that male nipples
are just residual when he was on The
Nightly Show. Topless boys on the sand, your exposed nipples can never do
any good to society. Your nipples will never amount to anything. Sorry. Miley's
and my nipples are more important than yours. Our nipples are just flat-out
BETTER than yours! Women have super nipples!
So, shouldn't we
be able to keep our nipples comfortable in the summer heat, instead of covering
them in a layer of bra and a layer of top? You shouldn't force our cherished
nipples to get sweaty and overheated! Think about the future babies, feeding
off practically-burning skin.
2. The male body is JUST as sexualized as
the female body,
so DON'T give me
crap about not wanting to distract males with our flesh. Have you not seen Magic Mike? Have you not seen the many,
MANY movies were the camera slowly pans down a man's oiled torso to that year's
sexiest pop song? Not only is this shown often, but it is accepted. It is so
accepted that panning the muscular male torso can be done in PG-13 movies, so children are exposed to the sexualization
of the male body, while simultaneously getting the message that the female body
is too unclean for the same movie.
The media is not
shy to show how male chests are sexy. I should know, I had a giant poster of
Jesse McCartney's on the wall closest to my bed around the time I got my first
period. To this day, I blame the overexposure to Jesse's pale, hairless body
and beautiful voice. (I don't really. I know this is a natural part of my life
as a female. I do not blame Jesse McCartney or the pre-teen magazine that
created an enormous poster of his naked chest by combining six pages of their
magazine.)
3. Nobody knows if breastfeeding in
public is acceptable or not,
which is
ridiculous! Let women feed their damn babies if they choose to breastfeed! You
gonna make a baby starve? Besides, if you are SO terrified of that nipple, the
baby's mouth covers it! If I decide to have a kid one day, and if I decide to
breastfeed, I'm gonna breastfeed wherever and whenever my baby wants to be fed.
I'm probably not
going to breastfeed, though. My nipples are very
sensitive, and I blame you, society. If you would just let my nipples be
exposed to the treacherous, blistering summer, maybe my nipples would be more
prepared for having a human suck them dry. Yeah, if I can't breastfeed my
hypothetical future offspring, I'm pinning it on you.
4. Equality
Everyday, young
girls have to decide what kind of girl they want to be—clean or unclean—because
their bodies are not respected by the media or laws. Being a woman is now the
same as being dirty, if you are not a virgin. If you are a virgin, then you are
considered momentarily clean, until you lose your virginity and become like all
the other dirty, dirty girls.
Girls debate
their clean vs. unclean identity before school each day while guys can rest
their minds knowing that the only big debate they will have this morning is
whether or not they can get away without taking a shower. (This statement is
not an opinion that all boys smell.
Just all boys of a certain age if they do not properly wash.)
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