Monday, March 28, 2016

Why I Can't Ever Live Alone

Most graduates can't wait to live alone. I just realized that I never can.

Reasons Why I Am Too Immature to Live Alone

1. Tornado Warnings Don't Scare Me

I live in Peoria, and so far (until recently) a tornado had never come close to my house. We get warnings all the time in spring, but after years of my parents pulling me downstairs to take shelter in my footy pajamas, I realized that none of the tornadoes ever hit us. Just because they hadn't hit us yet. Because I am smart.

So, a few weeks ago when a tornado came very close, I tried switching the channels to get away from the pesky weatherman pulling an all-nighter to save my neighborhood. When my father demanded I finally come downstairs, I grabbed my laptop. And the novel I was reading. And some water. And toilet paper, for after I drank the water. And then I finally decided I had enough necessities to be safe and sound.

My brother had immediately ran downstairs and was shaking. His hand looked like it was going to fly off his arm any moment.

"Stop it," I had said while I tried to find a station that worked, but my parents yanked the remote away to watch the dedicated weatherman.

2. I Would Never Be Able to Shower

After the tornado, unfazed even though this one almost came to our street, I was the only one that stayed up past midnight. Then I realized that I didn't want to shower in the morning.

I made the adult, reasonable decision to shower now so I wouldn't have to shower in the morning. So I got a towel my mom will wash, pajamas my mother had washed, and my retainer for after the shower.

I took off my clothes, turned on the hot water, and closed the shower behind me. And realized that this was how every horror movie trailer starts.

NOTE, I said trailer. Because I'm too scared to watch the entire horror film. And instead just watch the trailers. While covering my ears. And shutting my eyes. And praying (yet not religious) until the trailer is over so I could finish my Parks and Rec.

Again, I made another reasonable decision to not close the shower behind me, and instead soak the floor so I could observe if any spirit or murderer crept in. Because seeing the intrusion could totally help my naked 90-pound body stop a spirit or murderer from killing me.

Not only am I not smart enough to realize that I could never, ever stop my own death, but I would drown my bathroom. And I can't swim.

Think about it.

3. Too Awkward to Exist

I work at a marketing company where I sometimes walk through websites with my clients. One client has a YouTube video on their home page, and they were wondering about the random video suggestions at the end of the video.

And I forgot that I was logged into my work email, so the YouTube channel I was connected to would be the one automatically created for my work email. And I forgot about all the VH1 100 Best Songs of the 90s videos I had been watching.

So the clients and I were skipping through the video on their home page and we came across four suggestions. Two of them were related to their business. One was some video game YouTube video because my boyfriend uses my laptop to watch his nerd things.

And the last one, in the upper right corner, was "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls.

The two choices were clear: Confess that these were my personal recommendations, or think that a video with a thumbnail of a girl lying on a bed was a random suggestion that would come up for all their users. Even for children and the elderly.

And I spent the next few minutes telling them that "I Touch Myself" was actually a song, and that I just listened to a lot of 90s songs. I'm still not sure they believed me, but the website is launched so I don't have to see them again, so whatever.

When they left, I immediately deleted all of my recommendations on my work email YouTube channel. Especially the Britney Spears ones. I think if that suggestion had been a Britney Spears video, I would have been more embarrassed.

Because I am so un-adult that I think a well-known pop song would be more embarrassing then a possible porn video.


Thursday, March 3, 2016

Short Blog on How Territorial I Am


When Roommate 1 (mentioned in previous blogs) had two kittens in our apartment, they spent the first two weeks peeing on everything. Her bed, her floor, our kitchen floor, the stuffed animals I had on the couch, the couch itself, Roommate 1 while she slept on the couch as the kittens peed on the couch, and our shoes. Somehow, they always had enough pee to also leave large, damp spots in their litter boxes, and I wondered at how big their bladders could be, in such tiny bodies.



I can proudly say that now I get it.



Possibility #1) The kittens were mad at Roommate 1 for naming them after lovers from her favorite movie, Stardust. Even though they were found as strays, clearly the cats were brother and sister. If my mom had done that to me and my little brother, I would have peed on more than just my bed a couple times and the floor in my kindergarten classroom. I would have peed on her. And my brother. Because my brother was a brat. I was a brat too, but I was an older brat, so it was okay.



Possibility #2) This was a territorial thing (which is the correct answer because this is what the vet told us, and kittens don't watch Stardust.) The cats were new, but being cats, they wanted to own the apartment we humans paid rent for, so they peed on it. They peed all over it, and I saw regular yellow streams of our deposit seeping into the carpeting.



I now know this was a territorial thing because I had a similar experience myself. Last weekend, my boyfriend's roommate was finally (finally!!) away for the week with his girlfriend, and my boyfriend and I got some much needed alone time. Eventually, I had to use the bathroom, and when I was peeing I noticed the roommate's bathroom things were still there.



Probably because he has the same supplies at his girlfriend's place, I reasoned as I washed my hands, not giving it another thought. That is, until I dried off my hands and realized I suddenly needed to go to the bathroom again.



How could that be!? I thought, but then I glanced at the roommate's toothbrush and cologne bottle again. And I thought about how much fun it would be to pee on both of those right then.



Now, I'm not going to tell you whether or not I peed on my boyfriend's roommate's things—that is not what this blog post is about. This post was just meant to show you how territorial cats, and humans, can be.



The rest I will leave to your imagination.