Thursday, February 4, 2016

When I Had 2 Roommates, II

When I had two roommates, I realized that I wasn't good at being a girl. I set my alarm at 6am, and I told myself that I was doing this so all three of us would have time to get ready in the morning privately. First me, I was the early bird. Then Roommate 2, who usually had to go to work. Last but not least-amount-of-time-taken (not by a long shot), Roommate 1, who usually woke up late to purposely skip her first class, every day.

In my head, this made sense-for me to get ready at the crack of dawn (exaggeration) and let the two other girls take over the bathroom, but really, I was avoiding them. I was avoiding fighting over the bathroom, true, but I was also avoiding eating breakfast with them. At 6am, I brushed my teeth, brushed my hair, applied a thick double-layer of chapstick, shaved my unibrow (to make myself feel fancy), and grabbed my cereal from the shared kitchen to take to my own single bedroom. I also tried avoiding the cats, who would hopefully be sleeping on the floor instead of grabbing at the bottom of my pant leg (since I am short and normal pants are not.) One of the two cats was a girl, so I still consider this me avoiding girls.

I liked Tristan, the boy-cat, better. I thought he had more character. My boyfriend liked Tristan's sister best. My boyfriend is a moron. His judgment doesn't matter.

Back to the story: I was avoiding the girls I chose to live with for a whole year. Sometimes, out of curiosity about that elusive female-species, I would watch Roommate 1 finally get ready before the class she chose to attend, after I came back from my first class. She did up her hair, and put on eyeshadow. Then she put on eyeliner. Then she might clip her nails or paint them. She painted her lips and brow as well. She applied something to her cheeks to make them a glowing red (I don't know what this something is, because I am bad at being a girl.) And I would just stare at her, taking 3 hours to get ready for the day, while she talked about yesterday. I wondered how she even had time to enjoy yesterday. When did she even finish applying yesterday's make-up!? Who the fuck has time for this!? I am not famous, I don't have a stylist who can do this for me while I do my homework or anything.

One day, Roommate 1 was driving me in her car. I was in the passenger seat, and my boyfriend was minding his own business in the backseat. Maybe he was sleeping. Maybe he was playing his Nintendo. Maybe he wasn't there and I didn't notice the difference because I am bad at being a girl-friend as well. Whatever, a different story.

Roommate 1 was telling me about her day, while retouching her make-up in the car mirror. She could multi-task (which I learned in college isn't actually a thing. Perhaps she would've learned this too if she attended her classes.)

Roommate 1 was complaining about her mom favoriting her younger sister again (which her mom did often), and about how another guy just stopped texting her out of the blue (which happened a lot. I never understood why this actually happened so much. Not only was Roommate 1 better at being a girl, but she was better at being a girl-friend. She would sew and knit her boyfriends custom gifts. For her last serious boyfriend, she bought a polo and sewed Darth Vader in the corner, and she was in the process of embroidering a shirt with an image of his favorite Dr. Who for his birthday when they broke up. I just don't have the time for that shit.)

Then, she told me, on top of that, her Aunt Flo was in for a visit. Roommate 1 rolled her eyes.

Me: "Oh, do you not like your aunt?"

Roomate 1 shot me a glance. "What?"

Me: "Your aunt."

Another glance. I wished she would watch the road.

Me: "Do you not like your aunt?"

Roommate 1: "My Aunt Flo!?"

Me: "Yeah. Is she a bitch?"

Roommate 1: "My period?"

Me: "Oh. Oh. . . . I thought you had an aunt named Flo. Like the Progressive lady. Like she was your aunt."

Apparently, I am so bad at being a girl, I don't know how to name my periods. Thanks a lot, stupid Progressive commercials, for making the name Flo a thing!

No comments:

Post a Comment