My Thoughts On "Free the Nipple"

I'm not trying to do everything that a guy can do. Physically, can I stand at a urinal while peeing? Yes, technically I, and all women, can. We can lift our legs up like a dog and make it work. Do I actually want to do this? No. Honestly, I'm far too lazy and like sitting. Sometimes I even cross my legs on the toilet. My prerogative.

But I don't like my body being treated like it's dirtier than a guy's. Why should my body hide? Why can't men just control themselves if they see a topless girl? I have no problem controlling myself when I see a hot, bare-chested man jogging.

"Free the Nipple" is still more complicated than just freeing the nipple to me. Why is it my job to keep men at bay? 

I'm not just referring to covering up so men aren't tempted, but I'm talking about it all:

• Purity balls
• Holding out till the third date, or third month
• Holding out till he "respects" me (this is a little vague, and implies that men should not respect women who actually can't wait to sleep with them)
• Not sleeping with too many guys so it's special for the one I'm with now
• The term "virginity" in general (it leaves women with a sense of loss once they "lose it," and, traditionally defined, it does not apply to same-sex couples)

Some conservatives believe that not only should woman live under different sexual standards, but that it's our job to "civilize" men. That by holding out, we are keeping men from just having sex all day.

I don't really want to sleep around with hundreds of men, but I also don't want women to be the keepers of men. 

Also, most men can't just sleep with women all day! First they have to find someone who is also sexually attracted to them, find a location, and fit it into their busy schedules of work, friends, and whatever hobbies they have (not applicable if hooking up is their hobby.)

And I'm surprised that conservatives are the ones who think we should be. Conservatives tend to have Christian values, which they get from the Bible. In the very beginning of said Bible, Eve leads Adam to temptation after she takes the first bite from the Tree of Knowledge.

Conservatives, clearly, by your own standards, women have not done a very hot job of being men's keepers from the get-go.

Why I Am Not Disgusted By (and Actually Support!) Miley Cyrus's Nipples

Can I just say that it's weird so many people care about one woman's nipples? Are her nipples made of gold? Do they squirt the fountain of youth? No? Then shut-up with your obsessing, while I write this blog post about my obsessing over Miley Cyrus's nipples.

Dear Miley Cyrus,

You started out as a "good girl" (quotations used to mark the fact that I don't like this term, not that I don't believe you were and are a good person) on Disney channel, making millions spreading joy through your songs, cute outfits, and humor.

What happened to these cute outfits that used to cover your entire body like an Amish young lady? Why is it that people who loved your songs and humor when you were fully dressed can't enjoy it now that you aren't? Was this stripped off you as well?

Or is it the Female Nipple Factor?

The Female Nipple Factor (FNF, a term I think I made up, but I am probably wrong, and someone way smarter than me actually came up with it decades ago) is when a woman's breast is either almost-completely exposed or completely exposed to the general public. String bikinis, breast feeding, bras, clothing malfunctions—all of these can lead to the Female Nipple Factor. The Female Nipple Factor causes conservatives to immediately spread abstinence programs and cover their daughters in sweaters for the summer. The Female Nipple Factor leads to articles, news stories, blog posts (like this one), and random comments from people far away from the exposed nipple taking a stand about it.

Which is funny, because I don't hear many criticisms over Channing Tatum's or Zac Efron's exposed nipples.

Personally, I love that Miley Cyrus is wearing, and not wearing, what she wants, because men do this all the time. Men walk around streets, beaches, and sometimes malls completely topless, especially in the middle of summer.

Which is ridiculous for these reasons below:

1. Our nipples are more valuable than boy nipples.

If Miley and I, and every other woman, choose to have a baby and choose to breastfeed, our nipples serve an actual purpose. We could bring nourishment and life to babies through our nipples. Men, what can you do? Even Bill Nye said that male nipples are just residual when he was on The Nightly Show. Topless boys on the sand, your exposed nipples can never do any good to society. Your nipples will never amount to anything. Sorry. Miley's and my nipples are more important than yours. Our nipples are just flat-out BETTER than yours! Women have super nipples!

So, shouldn't we be able to keep our nipples comfortable in the summer heat, instead of covering them in a layer of bra and a layer of top? You shouldn't force our cherished nipples to get sweaty and overheated! Think about the future babies, feeding off practically-burning skin.

2. The male body is JUST as sexualized as the female body,

so DON'T give me crap about not wanting to distract males with our flesh. Have you not seen Magic Mike? Have you not seen the many, MANY movies were the camera slowly pans down a man's oiled torso to that year's sexiest pop song? Not only is this shown often, but it is accepted. It is so accepted that panning the muscular male torso can be done in PG-13 movies, so children are exposed to the sexualization of the male body, while simultaneously getting the message that the female body is too unclean for the same movie.

The media is not shy to show how male chests are sexy. I should know, I had a giant poster of Jesse McCartney's on the wall closest to my bed around the time I got my first period. To this day, I blame the overexposure to Jesse's pale, hairless body and beautiful voice. (I don't really. I know this is a natural part of my life as a female. I do not blame Jesse McCartney or the pre-teen magazine that created an enormous poster of his naked chest by combining six pages of their magazine.)

3. Nobody knows if breastfeeding in public is acceptable or not,

which is ridiculous! Let women feed their damn babies if they choose to breastfeed! You gonna make a baby starve? Besides, if you are SO terrified of that nipple, the baby's mouth covers it! If I decide to have a kid one day, and if I decide to breastfeed, I'm gonna breastfeed wherever and whenever my baby wants to be fed.

I'm probably not going to breastfeed, though. My nipples are very sensitive, and I blame you, society. If you would just let my nipples be exposed to the treacherous, blistering summer, maybe my nipples would be more prepared for having a human suck them dry. Yeah, if I can't breastfeed my hypothetical future offspring, I'm pinning it on you.

4. Equality

Everyday, young girls have to decide what kind of girl they want to be—clean or unclean—because their bodies are not respected by the media or laws. Being a woman is now the same as being dirty, if you are not a virgin. If you are a virgin, then you are considered momentarily clean, until you lose your virginity and become like all the other dirty, dirty girls.

Girls debate their clean vs. unclean identity before school each day while guys can rest their minds knowing that the only big debate they will have this morning is whether or not they can get away without taking a shower. (This statement is not an opinion that all boys smell. Just all boys of a certain age if they do not properly wash.)