If you are the product or grand-product of someone living the American dream, you are not alone.
Fear not those awkward conversations with the owner-relatives and customers, because with my 11 years of experience working for my grandma, I have some sample conversation-stoppers that may just save your life (or your sanity.)
1. Your Grandma Telling Customers Your Long-Term Goals
Customers says, "What do you want to do when you graduate?"
Grandma says, "She's going to be a nurse."
Granddaughter, "I never said that."
Grandma (to customer), "Oh, she's going to be a nurse. She's so good with people."
Granddaughter, "No, I'm not. Patients make me sick and I want to burn the ill to preserve the healthy. (Pause.) I wrote about it in my thesis."
2. Your Grandma Trying to Text Your Cousin On Her New Cellphone
Grandma asks, "How do you text someone if you don't have their cellphone number?"
Granddaughter answers, "You don't."
Grandma, "What if you have their home number?"
Granddaughter, "You call them."
Grandma, "But what if I use my cellphone to text Lindy's home phone?"
Granddaughter, "It doesn't work like that. Call her."
Grandma, "She never picks up!"
Granddaughter, "Then leave a message."
Grandma, "Oh! I'm just going to text her."
Five minutes later. . . .
Grandma, "It didn't work!" Turns to granddaughter. "How do you text a home phone?"
Granddaughter, "With another home phone, duh! You have to wait until you get home tonight. And if the phone starts beeping and making funny noises, that means it's working."
Grandma, "Oh. . . ."
3. Your Grandpa Anytime
Granddaughter, "Grandpa, I need your (mouth words) for (mouth words) and I just can't figure (mouth words) life (mouth words) Grandma said (mouth words) (place laugh here). (Mouth a lot of words for a long time until he talks to a customer instead.)
4. Your Grandma When She's Making Inappropriate Halloween Costume Suggestions
Grandma asks, "What are you going to go as for Halloween?"
Granddaughter, "A zombie."
Grandma, "No! You should go as something sexy, like a Lady of the Night."
Granddaughter, "A what?"
Grandma, "A prostitute."
Granddaughter, "Oh, but Grandma, if I go as a prostitute, my pimp will forget that it's my day off. And he gets violent when he sees his girls not working the streets. I could lose a hand!"
5. Your Grandma When She Finds Out She Is Shrinking Because You Are Now Taller Than Her
Grandma, "How tall are you?"
Granddaughter, "5' 1''."
Grandma, "No! You're 5'6"."
Granddaughter, "No, I'm not, I'm 5'1"."
Grandma, "But I'm 5'3"!"
Granddaughter, "You use to be 5'3"."
Watch Grandma throws a fit in the back.
6. Your Grandma Comparing Your New Boyfriend To the Ex-Boyfriend She Never Even Met
Grandma says, "But you don't love him as much as you loved Billy."
Mom, "Mom, stop."
Grandma, "She doesn't, I can tell! Every time she talked about Billy her face lit up!"
Mom, "Mom, stop. Leave her alone."
Grandma, "What else would explain that glow?"
Granddaughter, "I was knocked-up."
Grandma turns to granddaughter and crosses her arms. "Then where is the baby?"
Granddaughter, "The baby wasn't paying rent and was eating all my food. It had to be evicted."