A List of Things that Have Happened This Week, & It's Only Tuesday

1. I played cards with my fiance's parents. I view this as a win because, even though I hate cards and anything that makes me feel competitive outside work, I did this for his parents.
2. Then I told his parents that I didn't like playing cards, as a way to not-so-gently gently-hint that I will not play cards as a family again. I'm not sure if I was rude or not, so I don't know how to view this.
3. I found The Angry Heart and made a plan to resume reading it. I viewed this as a win since I no longer go to a therapist (she's always late), so I should get help by reading the book.
4. I put the book back on my childhood bedroom floor and picked up a Doctor Who novel. I viewed this as a loss because I was already in the middle of at least 15 books (honestly.)
5. I put the Doctor Who novel down after about 6 pages. I viewed this as a win, because I should finish a book before starting a new one. At the same time, I viewed this as a loss, because the book couldn't have been more than 200 pages and, in my mind, I should be able to read that many pages in just a view hours and check it off as read on Goodreads to show up all my Goodreads friends who read less books than me this year.
6. I resumed Bridget Jones's Diary. I viewed this as a win, if I could finish it.
7. I woke up Monday for work, ready to be optimistic about my career. I viewed this as a huge win. Very different from usual when I wake up wanting to cry (honestly.)
8. When I entered the office at 6:35am, I realized how much I forgot needed to get done over the weekend and had about three different min-panic attacks before 8:30am. I viewed this as a loss.
9. I reviewed a client's file because his website just went from the design phase to the development phase and realized that I forgot he was paying for SEO work. This entire time. And I hadn't been managing any SEO work, so I knew it wasn't going on. I viewed this a death sentence for any possible promotion.
10. I panicked, tried to find my boss to pathetically apologize, and realized he had just started a meeting. I viewed this as a loss because I wanted to get my scolding over with.
11. I waited an hour and a half, pretending to his wife that I wasn't fearing for my job while working with her on a focus study, and then, finally came to terms with the fact that I screwed up a few months ago by dropping the ball and that all I could do was start his SEO work now. I viewed this as growth.
12. When my boss got out of his meeting, I asked if we could talk, sat down nervously, showed him the file, and asked when he had intended SEO work to start. He said after the site was launched. I viewed this as a miraculous surprise.
13. Practically screamed inside my head because there was a chance I didn't do anything wrong (but did I accidentally have our bookkeeper charge the client prematurely? Should I check?) I viewed this as a possible win.
14. Decided not to check with the bookkeeper yet. There is always Wednesday. I viewed this as a win because the main problem I had feared had been determined (by my boss) nonexistent.
15. Came home, wrote some web pages for extra pay, and listened to my mom get upset about work. I viewed this as usual.
16. Let my mom's anger about work make me angry about my work and life and living arrangement and began throwing soft things in my room, to not make a sound. I viewed this as a loss and a serious problem, because I always let her mood become my mood (when angry.)
17. Hid in my room at 7pm instead of watching regular Monday family show with my parents out of fear of my mother's anger about her job (which wouldn't be directed at me, but I didn't want to deal with it.) I viewed this as a loss, because what if my parents where upset I didn't watch Kevin Can Wait with them?
18. Came out of hiding for 7:30pm family show and realized everything was magically okay again. I viewed this as an obvious win.
19. Went back to my room at 8pm and realized that I had accomplished absolutely nothing with my day (besides finishing optimizing one page of content and writing another page.) I viewed this as another great loss of valuable time where I could've been doing something with my pathetic life.
20. Went to bed hideously upset with self. Loss.
21. Woke up at least 5 times over the night in a panic that I hadn't been reading my daily automated project reports enough and probably missed a new task assigned by my boss and was going to get yelled at. BIG loss.
22. Still couldn't sleep at 2:30am, so I checked my daily project report from the day before and realized that I missed nothing. Win!
23. Went to the bathroom then lied in bed for at least another hour. Loss of valuable sleep time.
24. Woke up, repeat. Had the exact same day as before, only with different client issues arising and I actually had time to take my hour lunch break and read more of Bridget Jones's Diary. I viewed this day as neither a loss or a win, overall.
25. Felt guilty about taking my lunch instead of working. I viewed this as a loss of valuable time I could have been making myself indispensable to the company and ensuring a promotion.
26. Decided to reward self by letting me watch TV and read Bridget Jones's Diary instead of "doing something productive." I viewed this as a win I deserved for a day of hard work. Surely I would work even harder tomorrow.
27. Heard from my fiance that he missed a call from the voluntourism company that I had talked to about going to China for a week to volunteer at a Panda Breeding Center. I viewed this as a loss of a great opportunity to make myself, my life, and my possible career life more like something I actually wanted.
28. Made my fiance call them and tell them that he wanted to help out (which he doesn't) and ask more about the program he was interested in (which he wasn't.) I viewed this as a loss because I was not considering him.
29. Felt a little guilty about trying to make my fiance go to China to help feed pandas with me, where there probably would be no other volunteers and workers who spoke almost no English, but not really because it's important to help others, especially pandas. I viewed this as something I hoped would work itself out.
30. Was reading Bridget Jones's Diary and suddenly felt immensely worthless for not reading this sooner. Every other book-loving woman in the world has read this, right? What's wrong with me then? Then I felt immensely worthless for not finishing a book last month. Then for reading so slowly. Then for not reading enough. Then for not working on The Basil O' Flaherty, my online literary journal. I felt incredibly, horribly bad about being worthless and a waste of space for about 30 minutes for about 10 different reasons (and this worthlessness-guilt-I am a waste of space-should die-am abandoning my journal and readers and contributors-feeling is my constant state.) I viewed this as a loss of my life and reputation and future since I obviously don't know how to be productive.
31. Started talking in my head like Helen Fielding in Bridget Jones's Diary. I viewed this as a humorous win.
32. Realized I actually had nothing in common with Bridget Jones because I am 23 and already engaged and not living in perfect, perfect London or working in book publishing. I viewed this as a loss for three reasons.
33. Became tired and wrote this blog post. I viewed this as a win, actually (only if someone reads and comments.)
34. Decided to buy the $61 Build-A-Bear Charmander stuffed toy my fiance had been pressuring me to treat myself to all afternoon.

Six Conversations That Start When You Work for Your Grandma At Her Store And How You Shut Those Conversations Down

As a business graduate, most of my fellow students were products of family-owned businesses. It's the great American dream to avoid a job by being your own boss, and then avoid child labor laws and wage laws by breeding your own employees.

If you are the product or grand-product of someone living the American dream, you are not alone. 

Fear not those awkward conversations with the owner-relatives and customers, because with my 11 years of experience working for my grandma, I have some sample conversation-stoppers that may just save your life (or your sanity.)

1. Your Grandma Telling Customers Your Long-Term Goals

Customers says, "What do you want to do when you graduate?"

Grandma says, "She's going to be a nurse."

Granddaughter, "I never said that."

Grandma (to customer), "Oh, she's going to be a nurse. She's so good with people."

Granddaughter, "No, I'm not. Patients make me sick and I want to burn the ill to preserve the healthy. (Pause.) I wrote about it in my thesis."

2. Your Grandma Trying to Text Your Cousin On Her New Cellphone

Grandma asks, "How do you text someone if you don't have their cellphone number?"

Granddaughter answers, "You don't."

Grandma, "What if you have their home number?"

Granddaughter, "You call them."

Grandma, "But what if I use my cellphone to text Lindy's home phone?"

Granddaughter, "It doesn't work like that. Call her."

Grandma, "She never picks up!"

Granddaughter, "Then leave a message."

Grandma, "Oh! I'm just going to text her."

Five minutes later. . . .

Grandma, "It didn't work!" Turns to granddaughter. "How do you text a home phone?"

Granddaughter, "With another home phone, duh! You have to wait until you get home tonight. And if the phone starts beeping and making funny noises, that means it's working."

Grandma, "Oh. . . ."

3. Your Grandpa Anytime

Granddaughter, "Grandpa, I need your (mouth words) for (mouth words) and I just can't figure (mouth words) life (mouth words) Grandma said (mouth words) (place laugh here). (Mouth a lot of words for a long time until he talks to a customer instead.)

4. Your Grandma When She's Making Inappropriate Halloween Costume Suggestions

Grandma asks, "What are you going to go as for Halloween?"

Granddaughter, "A zombie."

Grandma, "No! You should go as something sexy, like a Lady of the Night."

Granddaughter, "A what?"

Grandma, "A prostitute."

Granddaughter, "Oh, but Grandma, if I go as a prostitute, my pimp will forget that it's my day off. And he gets violent when he sees his girls not working the streets. I could lose a hand!"

5. Your Grandma When She Finds Out She Is Shrinking Because You Are Now Taller Than Her

Grandma, "How tall are you?"

Granddaughter, "5' 1''."

Grandma, "No! You're 5'6"."

Granddaughter, "No, I'm not, I'm 5'1"."

Grandma, "But I'm 5'3"!"

Granddaughter, "You use to be 5'3"."

Watch Grandma throws a fit in the back.

6. Your Grandma Comparing Your New Boyfriend To the Ex-Boyfriend She Never Even Met

Grandma says, "But you don't love him as much as you loved Billy."

Mom, "Mom, stop."

Grandma, "She doesn't, I can tell! Every time she talked about Billy her face lit up!"

Mom, "Mom, stop. Leave her alone."

Grandma, "What else would explain that glow?"

Granddaughter, "I was knocked-up."

Grandma turns to granddaughter and crosses her arms. "Then where is the baby?"

Granddaughter, "The baby wasn't paying rent and was eating all my food. It had to be evicted."