An Atheist and His Pagan Daughter Walk into a Bar,

with a priest, a rabbi, and a duck. They all get drunk on PBR, and then the atheist decides to order a REDD's Apple Ale. He points it to the priest as he drinks.

The atheist says, "Do you remember this apple?"

The priest says, "Go to hell."

The atheist laughs and says, "You keep playing with that 'hell' toy until it breaks and no one believes you."

The priest puts down his bottle and raises his arms to the heavens.

He says, "How can you not believe in Jesus!?"

The rabbi mutters, "Jesus was just a bad Jew."

The priest says, "You take that back!"

The rabbi turns to the priest and yells, "He threw us under the bus!"

The priest yells back, "You threw him on a cross!"

The duck, while slurring, interrupts, "Quack. I much prefer the god Poseidon, quack."

The pagan cheers, "Yeah!" and high-fives/high-wings the duck.

The priest, in disgust, pleads, "Why can't you see you're wrong?"

The atheist turns it around, "Why can't you see you're wrong?"

The duck says, "Quack. I need to get back to the pond, quack."

The pagan has an idea. "I'm going to pray to the God of War that you all stop fighting!"

The atheist, the duck, the rabbi, and the priest look at each other.

"Then who will we persecute?" they all wonder.

"You can go back to the Muslims," the duck offers.

Everyone high-fives. "Yes!" they cheer. "Them!"

The atheist says, "But I'm still going to hate all of you."

The priest and the rabbi nod.

The atheist and his pagan daughter leave the priest, the rabbi, and the duck at the bar.

The priest turns to the rabbi, "Jesus was right, you know."

The rabbi looks at his bill. "$7 for a beer!"

The duck says, "Quack."

Short Blog: Stories from an Atheist's Daughter

In one of my poetry workshops in college, I felt left out. I was one of the only people who did not come from a religious background, and I could not draw from it. I was the Atheist's Daughter who wrote about how she didn't understand religion, which got laughs. And I'm the kind of person who would continue beating any old joke with a sledge hammer until it dies for a laugh.

I wrote about how church service was like a scripted play (because of the nice handouts with lines they give the sinner children of atheists) and how it took me fifteen good minutes of talking to some blond on campus before I realized he was a pastor in training and was trying to sell me on his church. And he was dressed in black with the white little square over his Adam's apple. And I'm not even sure what form of Catholicism/Christianity he was talking about. And he talked for 40 more minutes with his pastor in training buddies that popped up when they found a sinner who was stupid enough not to run from them.

I began to study religion to write more about how I didn't understand it. I bought a Bible and put it on my bookshelf, between my Qur'an and my Wiccan spellbook. I like to imagine that they get along, reading each other's passages to pass the time.

Through my studying, I began to realize that if God was just someone's neighbor today, that neighbor would probably call DCF on his ass. He must have drugged Mary in her sleep through the use of mirth or some other B.C. drug, and raped her until she was with child JUST so the child can die at the stake many years later.

I also never understood Noah's Ark. Like, if God flooded the Earth because he was so disgusted by human beings' behavior except for Noah's family, and he NEVER did it again (like he promised), then how messed up was society back then? Look at us today, God, look at us today! Was it worth it?