Saturday, October 17, 2015

Ladies (and Some Gentlemen): The 3 Guys You Never Thought Of Dating But Should Consider This Holiday Season

The weather is finally getting cooler and leaves are starting to change colors, which means that the "couple season" is finally upon us! I know what you're thinking—spring is the season of love—but think about it:  when the weather starts getting chilly there is apple picking, hayrides for two, couples' Halloween costume contests, Thanksgiving with the extended, judgey family, Christmas magic and mistletoes, New Year's Eve kisses, and finally, to close the entire cold season, the much dreaded Valentine's Day.

All the single ladies (and some single men) are probably reading this and freaking out because they have to spend the couple season cuddling by the fire and drinking hot cocoa alone! Where has the time gone? You just spent that last four months worried about finding your summer love, and now you have to find the one to bring home for family events and for dressing up in the costume of your choosing. Stressful, right?

Luckily, there are still three types of men on this planet that I promise you have never, ever even considered, and who are therefore avai-lable. . . .

1. The Loner

Every straight woman thinks that they have been attracted to the Loner numerous times, but no—you have been attracted to the Hot, Brooding type. The type who doesn't want no help from no one and doesn't need you, so he pushes you away, making you need him more! That guy, with his dark eyes and 1950's biker jacket, is not the Loner type, and honestly, they are all probably already taken for the couple season.

The Loner is the guy you were afraid of on the playground when you were a kid. The guy who stared at all the other kids playing with a weird, slightly menacing smile on his face. He grew up to be the genius professors wanted to love in the beginning of each semester, but then became scared of. You can see it in the way the professors always tentatively stick their hands out as far away from their bodies as possible when handing the Loner his graded papers.

Yeah, you know the guy. If you stand close to him, he kinda smells because he has no need to shower—who would get near him?—and he reminds you of the Unabomber and James Holmes rolled into one! Imagine kissing that on Valentine's Day!

Sure, with the Loner, you're probably in for some wild and slightly-homicidal rides, but I bet he has plenty of anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills to share! That should take the sting out of introducing the Loner to your friends and family this Christmas season!

Just make sure you don't accidentally start dating the Loner Cannibal type, unless you're into literally being eaten out.

2. Cousin From the Other Side of the Family

What says "hayride for two" like "family fun"? If you're missing a plus one for your friend's apple picking/costume party, how about checking your extended family tree? The pros are that your cousin's extended enough to not look like you, and you're pretty sure you can get your Aunt Ruth to make him do it. The cons would be taking him to family Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, but that's why you have two sides of the family—that is, unless your parents also tried this when they were your age and they hit it off a little too well.  

What else are family reunions for?

If you don't have a cousin readily available, I'm sure you have an uncle who likes to get drunk and make inappropriate remarks on how mature you and your sister are. Bring him. There is nothing like impressing your friends with an older man while also getting to know your DNA a little bit better.

3. Your Best Friend's FWB

Yes, FWB: Friend With Benefits. I know, I know, Girl Code, but would Girl Code really cover this guy? Your BFF has been saying for ONE TO TEN YEARS that they're "just friends," so he's fair game, right? If you still aren't sold on this one, here are the reasons why you should consider your BFF's FWB:

A.    He's hot. You don't even have to meet him first to know this, because your BFF is willing to do him consistently for years on end! Also, you know from your BFF that this guy always has a girlfriend! How do you know this? Because your BFF tells you every other week that her FWB is cheating on his girlfriend with her! So, in conclusion: he has to be hot to get a girlfriend, cheat on her with your best friend, still be able to get new girlfriends, and still be able to keep his FWB.
B.    He's always available. This goes with reason A) because even when he's taken, he's DTF. Oh, the relief that there's a hot guy who is always single-enough (single-adjacent?) to mess around with you! Maybe he'll even want a threesome between you and your BFF, so you can spend quality time with your friend while spending quality time with your man!
C.   You know he's good at it. Look at him, he's like sex on legs. Look at your BFF right after they bang—she's all flushed and is fidgeting her messy hair. She's relaxed, she's happy, and she's pretending that she's not totally in love with this guy! You know he's good at it, and since he has charmed the pants off hundreds of girls, he can surely charm them off your grandma this Thanksgiving.

            Your BFF's FWB = the perfect man for the couple season.

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