All the single
ladies (and some single men) are probably reading this and freaking out because
they have to spend the couple season cuddling by the fire and drinking hot
cocoa alone! Where has the time gone? You just spent that last four months
worried about finding your summer love, and now you have to find the one to
bring home for family events and for dressing up in the costume of your
choosing. Stressful, right?
Luckily, there
are still three types of men on this planet that I promise you have never, ever
even considered, and who are therefore avai-lable.
. . .
1. The Loner
Every straight
woman thinks that they have been
attracted to the Loner numerous times, but no—you have been attracted to the
Hot, Brooding type. The type who doesn't want no help from no one and doesn't
need you, so he pushes you away, making you need him more! That guy, with his
dark eyes and 1950's biker jacket, is not
the Loner type, and honestly, they are all probably already taken for the
couple season.
The Loner is the
guy you were afraid of on the playground when you were a kid. The guy who
stared at all the other kids playing with a weird, slightly menacing smile on
his face. He grew up to be the genius professors wanted to love in the
beginning of each semester, but then became scared of. You can see it in the
way the professors always tentatively stick their hands out as far away from
their bodies as possible when handing the Loner his graded papers.
Yeah, you know
the guy. If you stand close to him, he kinda smells because he has no need to
shower—who would get near him?—and he reminds you of the Unabomber and James
Holmes rolled into one! Imagine kissing that on Valentine's Day!
Sure, with the
Loner, you're probably in for some wild and slightly-homicidal rides, but I bet
he has plenty of anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills to share! That should
take the sting out of introducing the Loner to your friends and family this
Christmas season!
Just make sure
you don't accidentally start dating the Loner Cannibal type, unless you're into
literally being eaten out.
2. Cousin From the Other Side of the Family
What says
"hayride for two" like "family fun"? If you're missing a
plus one for your friend's apple picking/costume party, how about checking your
extended family tree? The pros are that your cousin's extended enough to not
look like you, and you're pretty sure you can get your Aunt Ruth to make him do
it. The cons would be taking him to family Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners,
but that's why you have two sides of
the family—that is, unless your parents also tried this when they were your age
and they hit it off a little too well.
What else are
family reunions for?
If you don't
have a cousin readily available, I'm sure you have an uncle who likes to get
drunk and make inappropriate remarks on how mature
you and your sister are. Bring him. There is nothing like impressing your
friends with an older man while also getting to know your DNA a little bit
better.
3. Your Best Friend's FWB
Yes, FWB: Friend
With Benefits. I know, I know, Girl Code,
but would Girl Code really cover this guy? Your BFF has been saying for ONE TO
TEN YEARS that they're "just friends," so he's fair game, right? If
you still aren't sold on this one, here are the reasons why you should consider
your BFF's FWB:
A. He's
hot. You don't even have
to meet him first to know this, because your BFF is willing to do him
consistently for years on end! Also, you know from your BFF that this guy always has a girlfriend! How do you know
this? Because your BFF tells you every other week that her FWB is cheating on
his girlfriend with her! So, in conclusion: he has to be hot to get a girlfriend, cheat on her with your best
friend, still be able to get new girlfriends, and still be able to keep his
FWB.
B. He's
always available. This
goes with reason A) because even when he's taken, he's DTF. Oh, the relief that
there's a hot guy who is always single-enough (single-adjacent?) to mess around
with you! Maybe he'll even want a threesome between you and your BFF, so you
can spend quality time with your friend while
spending quality time with your man!
C. You
know he's good at it.
Look at him, he's like sex on legs. Look at your BFF right after they
bang—she's all flushed and is fidgeting her messy hair. She's relaxed, she's
happy, and she's pretending that she's not totally in love with this guy! You
know he's good at it, and since he has charmed the pants off hundreds of girls,
he can surely charm them off your grandma this Thanksgiving.
Your BFF's FWB = the perfect man for
the couple season.
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