Most graduates can't wait to live alone. I just realized that I never can.
Reasons Why I Am Too Immature to Live Alone
1. Tornado Warnings Don't Scare Me
I live in Peoria, and so far (until recently) a tornado had never come close to my house. We get warnings all the time in spring, but after years of my parents pulling me downstairs to take shelter in my footy pajamas, I realized that none of the tornadoes ever hit us. Just because they hadn't hit us yet. Because I am smart.
So, a few weeks ago when a tornado came very close, I tried switching the channels to get away from the pesky weatherman pulling an all-nighter to save my neighborhood. When my father demanded I finally come downstairs, I grabbed my laptop. And the novel I was reading. And some water. And toilet paper, for after I drank the water. And then I finally decided I had enough necessities to be safe and sound.
My brother had immediately ran downstairs and was shaking. His hand looked like it was going to fly off his arm any moment.
"Stop it," I had said while I tried to find a station that worked, but my parents yanked the remote away to watch the dedicated weatherman.
2. I Would Never Be Able to Shower
After the tornado, unfazed even though this one almost came to our street, I was the only one that stayed up past midnight. Then I realized that I didn't want to shower in the morning.
I made the adult, reasonable decision to shower now so I wouldn't have to shower in the morning. So I got a towel my mom will wash, pajamas my mother had washed, and my retainer for after the shower.
I took off my clothes, turned on the hot water, and closed the shower behind me. And realized that this was how every horror movie trailer starts.
NOTE, I said trailer. Because I'm too scared to watch the entire horror film. And instead just watch the trailers. While covering my ears. And shutting my eyes. And praying (yet not religious) until the trailer is over so I could finish my Parks and Rec.
Again, I made another reasonable decision to not close the shower behind me, and instead soak the floor so I could observe if any spirit or murderer crept in. Because seeing the intrusion could totally help my naked 90-pound body stop a spirit or murderer from killing me.
Not only am I not smart enough to realize that I could never, ever stop my own death, but I would drown my bathroom. And I can't swim.
Think about it.
3. Too Awkward to Exist
I work at a marketing company where I sometimes walk through websites with my clients. One client has a YouTube video on their home page, and they were wondering about the random video suggestions at the end of the video.
And I forgot that I was logged into my work email, so the YouTube channel I was connected to would be the one automatically created for my work email. And I forgot about all the VH1 100 Best Songs of the 90s videos I had been watching.
So the clients and I were skipping through the video on their home page and we came across four suggestions. Two of them were related to their business. One was some video game YouTube video because my boyfriend uses my laptop to watch his nerd things.
And the last one, in the upper right corner, was "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls.
The two choices were clear: Confess that these were my personal recommendations, or think that a video with a thumbnail of a girl lying on a bed was a random suggestion that would come up for all their users. Even for children and the elderly.
And I spent the next few minutes telling them that "I Touch Myself" was actually a song, and that I just listened to a lot of 90s songs. I'm still not sure they believed me, but the website is launched so I don't have to see them again, so whatever.
When they left, I immediately deleted all of my recommendations on my work email YouTube channel. Especially the Britney Spears ones. I think if that suggestion had been a Britney Spears video, I would have been more embarrassed.
Because I am so un-adult that I think a well-known pop song would be more embarrassing then a possible porn video.
Showing posts with label Parks and rec. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parks and rec. Show all posts
Monday, March 28, 2016
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Did I Accidentally Get Married?
I recently graduated from college, and so have the majority of my Facebook friends. What I have noticed was that before, after, or during graduation was considered "proposal season." Suddenly, after graduation either most of my college loose-acquaintances are getting married, got married before finals, or recently became engaged. These are budding adults, more like pre-adults, who just jumped out of school, have internships, or are still looking for full-time employment or grad school, but they decided to go ahead and get married, despite their crushing student debt. I can honestly say that I think that kind of stupidity shows true love.
And then there is me. I seem to be the only 20-something who, yes, did graduate and celebrated her three-year anniversary with her boyfriend, but has no plans to get married now or in the immediate future.
It's not that I didn't want to marry my boyfriend originally. The idea was really appealing while in school, spending all my time stressed about homework and exams. Marriage seemed like an ideal alternative to the real world.
Of course, marriage isn't an escape from the real world and it is a lot of work. I know this, but me and my boyfriend are often accused of being between the ages of 12 and 15, so the idea of marrying him always reminded me of playing house with the neighborhood boys when I was younger. I mean, it's not real life or real marriage unless you look and function like real adults, right? And we SO don't look or function like real adults!
Also, my boyfriend looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo when he shaves. When he doesn't shave, he looks like what Shaggy would look like if he and Scooby were pretending to be lumberjacks to capture a ghost. So obviously, it's not a real marriage or real life if your long-term boyfriend looks like your favorite cartoon character.
Recently though, I have had the sneaky suspicion that somehow, in the last few months since my graduation, my boyfriend and I accidentally got married. In my opinion, you know you accidentally got married when:
1. You gain 10 pounds overnight.
This happened to me a few months ago, after starting my first full-time job. My job comes with an hour-long lunch break, which I use to eat more than I used to during the 15-minute interval between classes. I used to weigh under 100 pounds, which was just my natural weight because I am so tiny and childlike. Recently, I cracked 103.8, my personal best. I had never weighed so much in my life, and at first I was proud. This weight was probably healthier, right?
Except then I noticed that the weight just settled in my stomach. I decided to maybe invest in a gym membership just to trim my stomach a little without losing too much weight. My boyfriend agreed to it, and we made a plan to window-shop gyms together.
But then we never did. And my stomach kept growing. And instead of working out or eating better, I just kept eating my usual junk food. I'm sure he will tolerate me looking like those poor starving kids in third-world countries: twig legs, tiny arms and chests, but then a giant lump the size of a bowling ball filled with water in their stomachs.
2. You and your boyfriend fight over who can take a nap while the other one promises to wake them up in time for Saturday Night Live.
I work M-F and have very little time to enjoy...anything really. I no longer have any hobbies or cherished activities, except watching my favorite TV show. My boyfriend usually sits with me while I watch this show, and just a year ago we could stay up late, watch this show, and then watch a movie afterwards with no issues. Keep in mind we live in the Central time zone, where SNL starts at 10:30.
Now, neither of us can seem to stay awake that late without complaining. Yesterday, I asked my boyfriend of three years to wake me up just before 10:30pm so I could take a 30 minute nap. He got mad because he wanted to take a nap too, but I didn't trust an alarm clock to wake either of us up because I don't hear it all the time and it takes him an hour to pull himself from bed. He argued that he was driving home later so he should nap. I argued that I was the girl so I should just automatically get my way, and this was my favorite show.
Somehow, I always win.
3. Date night means eating out before 6 o'clock.
I work 7am to 3pm, and wake up every morning at 5am. My boyfriend decided to go back to school an hour away, and he has a part-time job 40 minutes away from my house. When he doesn't have classes or work, he picks me up from work at 3pm and instead of waiting to eat a romantic dinner at a reasonable time, we go out right away and then stare at my TV until it is time for him to leave.
Right now, we are watching Parks and Rec on Netflix, so at least it is a good use of time.
On the days he works, he wouldn't arrive to my house until 5:40pm-6pm, so neither of us bother to hang out on those days. Because I go to bed at 8:30pm and he likes to eat before 6pm.
I'm sure there are many ways that I am an old married woman. I yell at him all the time to pick up his socks. I get mad at him for not throwing away his trash (literal garbage) immediately and letting it sit there for weeks (weeks!) Even though I never wore a white dress and don't have a ring I have to pretend is bigger than it really is, I somehow accidentally married a lumberjack Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
And then there is me. I seem to be the only 20-something who, yes, did graduate and celebrated her three-year anniversary with her boyfriend, but has no plans to get married now or in the immediate future.
It's not that I didn't want to marry my boyfriend originally. The idea was really appealing while in school, spending all my time stressed about homework and exams. Marriage seemed like an ideal alternative to the real world.
Of course, marriage isn't an escape from the real world and it is a lot of work. I know this, but me and my boyfriend are often accused of being between the ages of 12 and 15, so the idea of marrying him always reminded me of playing house with the neighborhood boys when I was younger. I mean, it's not real life or real marriage unless you look and function like real adults, right? And we SO don't look or function like real adults!
Also, my boyfriend looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo when he shaves. When he doesn't shave, he looks like what Shaggy would look like if he and Scooby were pretending to be lumberjacks to capture a ghost. So obviously, it's not a real marriage or real life if your long-term boyfriend looks like your favorite cartoon character.
Recently though, I have had the sneaky suspicion that somehow, in the last few months since my graduation, my boyfriend and I accidentally got married. In my opinion, you know you accidentally got married when:
1. You gain 10 pounds overnight.
This happened to me a few months ago, after starting my first full-time job. My job comes with an hour-long lunch break, which I use to eat more than I used to during the 15-minute interval between classes. I used to weigh under 100 pounds, which was just my natural weight because I am so tiny and childlike. Recently, I cracked 103.8, my personal best. I had never weighed so much in my life, and at first I was proud. This weight was probably healthier, right?
Except then I noticed that the weight just settled in my stomach. I decided to maybe invest in a gym membership just to trim my stomach a little without losing too much weight. My boyfriend agreed to it, and we made a plan to window-shop gyms together.
But then we never did. And my stomach kept growing. And instead of working out or eating better, I just kept eating my usual junk food. I'm sure he will tolerate me looking like those poor starving kids in third-world countries: twig legs, tiny arms and chests, but then a giant lump the size of a bowling ball filled with water in their stomachs.
2. You and your boyfriend fight over who can take a nap while the other one promises to wake them up in time for Saturday Night Live.
I work M-F and have very little time to enjoy...anything really. I no longer have any hobbies or cherished activities, except watching my favorite TV show. My boyfriend usually sits with me while I watch this show, and just a year ago we could stay up late, watch this show, and then watch a movie afterwards with no issues. Keep in mind we live in the Central time zone, where SNL starts at 10:30.
Now, neither of us can seem to stay awake that late without complaining. Yesterday, I asked my boyfriend of three years to wake me up just before 10:30pm so I could take a 30 minute nap. He got mad because he wanted to take a nap too, but I didn't trust an alarm clock to wake either of us up because I don't hear it all the time and it takes him an hour to pull himself from bed. He argued that he was driving home later so he should nap. I argued that I was the girl so I should just automatically get my way, and this was my favorite show.
Somehow, I always win.
3. Date night means eating out before 6 o'clock.
I work 7am to 3pm, and wake up every morning at 5am. My boyfriend decided to go back to school an hour away, and he has a part-time job 40 minutes away from my house. When he doesn't have classes or work, he picks me up from work at 3pm and instead of waiting to eat a romantic dinner at a reasonable time, we go out right away and then stare at my TV until it is time for him to leave.
Right now, we are watching Parks and Rec on Netflix, so at least it is a good use of time.
On the days he works, he wouldn't arrive to my house until 5:40pm-6pm, so neither of us bother to hang out on those days. Because I go to bed at 8:30pm and he likes to eat before 6pm.
I'm sure there are many ways that I am an old married woman. I yell at him all the time to pick up his socks. I get mad at him for not throwing away his trash (literal garbage) immediately and letting it sit there for weeks (weeks!) Even though I never wore a white dress and don't have a ring I have to pretend is bigger than it really is, I somehow accidentally married a lumberjack Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
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